You would think that since i ahve had 5 mri's that it would not cause so much anxiety. But each time i have to have one i get so nervous. When i am in the mri for a bit i actually get panicky and want to run. Since this one is not supposed to take as long as the rest i hope i won't freak out. I think i am gonna move to mendacino county california.

Well here it is, the first month of the new year is almost gone and i wonder where it has gone. I got the lovely news that i need to have surgey on my right sholder. It was just jan 26 of last year that i had surgery on my left sholder. I did the same thing to the right one. I am wondering what is gonna happen to the left one since it still is not back to what i consider its best. I also wonder if i can handle going thru all the pain and aggrivation again but then i remember all the pain and aggrivation i went thru for three years before i had the left one fixed. They just had to give me the cortizone shots today in it too. I had forgoten exactly how bad it hurts when they do that. I am so worried about how i am gonna live. How am i gonna get money. i hope my disability comes thru soon. Shit must mail papers tomorrow. sometimes i wonder if i might be in the early stages of alzhemeirs since i forget the most simple things. But i think it is just me worring. well since the stupisd neighbors decided to turn their radio down now i am gonna try to go to bed and possibly get some sleep. If it was only possible. Course i guess the dogs liked the music cause now they are raising a protest and barking at the neighbors. Just joking i know they are telling me that the neighbors are out and about. i was actually thinking earlier of a way to just turn their power off so the radio would shut off. even if it was just for a few minutes. i could always go back and keep turning it off till they get the picture. well my fingers are going numb and that makes it really hard to type so this would be farewell for now...

So i wonder what exactly one would call what is going on with my mind. Would you call it depression, maybe a crash from a manic episode. Maybe i am just crazy. But what do you so when you just want to scream. You even scream on the inside and hope maybe it doesn't come out like it is in your head. Then it all turns to the suicide thoughts again. but this time you actually think about it. about how nice it would be to feel no more pain. To not feel like you are no better than a spec of dirt. to not be a burden anymore. but then you kinda mentally slap yourself after you've cried your eyes out for a bit. Hours later i wonder why it ( the suicide thought) hit me so hard. I haven't had this much of a fight out of myself in years. Are things just getting that bad again? Please don't let me get out of control again. Don't let me lose control of my rational side. I've tried writing poetry again like i used to but its like its all stuck. So i figured i would try writing here. things have to get better soon right?

It is hard to believe another year has passed by and i have nothing really to show that i have done anything meaningful or constructive or worthwhile for that matter. There are many things that i started but never finished. It just seems like another year toward my downfall.

It is funny when you think back to when you was a kid and the one thing that you wanted to be you end up hating. i hate doctors. they are so blinded. What ever happened to listening to the patient and the patient knows their body better than any doctor ever will. I still would like to be a doctor just so i could be that one doctor and hopefully make a difference in that one persons life. But as always life gets in the way and throws you a curve ball and then you have to restructure your plans that you had all laid out, nice and neat. You never in your life expect to hear the words, " you have a mass at the base of your skull and because of the shape and size you need to prepare for it to be a tumor." That's one heck of a thing to hear. But i think having to wait two weeks to find out anything is the worst.

Well here it is, my attempt at blogging. i am not sure if anyone will ever read it but if they do that is alright. at times i may seem like i am crazy, you are correct. but it will have to wait till tomorrow or another day. the sandman has finally caught up with me and i must sleep. hopefully anyway.