My new life, basically.

Well here it is. In a matter of hours i will be knocked out on an operating table. I chose to have the gastric bypass surgery. I have often questioned myself if i have made the right decision. In a way part of me knows i did. But the part of me that is scared is not so sure. its two forty eight in the morning. I wanted to get on here and write more but i am just at a loss for words. Hopefully i will be here tomorrow to continue.

Where, oh where can my sanity be???

It seems as though i am at a loss when it comes to my mind. At least that is how i feel. I am at a spot where i am gonna have to stop avoiding things that i know are coming. But i don't want to. Maybe i can find the door that lets people into Petoria. It a pretty cool little spot, but its getting crowded and some have to leave and i need to lock the door behind them. So much easier said than done. Who knows, i don't. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

questions, questions questions...

So it has come to this... Surgery on my neck. Lovely. I'll admit it, I'm scared. I have been thru other surgeries before but never had to worry about the doctor slipping just a millimeter or less and i could be paralyzed for life. So yeah I'm scared. You won't find me admitting it to many people. the way it is explained to me. the doctor is gonna take the disc that is between my 5th and 6th cervical vertebra and then put this cage in between them. He is gonna take some bone from my hip and put it in the cage and around the cage to take up all the space between the two vertebra. Last but not least he is going to put a metal plate covering the space and part of the other two vertebra and screw the plate o the 5th and 6th vertebra. And that should fix it. As long as my body doesn't reject the bone, or it does not slip before it bonds. So many things that could happen. I have been put on morphine from my doctor to help with the pain. But the morphine makes me irritable, very irritable. i am wondering if i can make it for a month without pissing everyone off or them hating me before i can get it changed. I hope they can all understand. I'd say there will be some that won't.
Even after i get it changed i am worried about what will happen cause all the restrictions that will be on me because of the surgery will drive me crazy.
Sometimes i wonder if i truly have as much control over my mind as i think i do.
sometimes i wonder....

Well, here it is... The last ever day i will have being twenty-something year old. Now i get to put the thirty-something on trial for the next ten years. in a way you almost expect to wake up the day of your birthday and suddenly know some new knowledge that you could never have known till you turned 30. Like when you was younger and you anticipated those milestone birthdays cause it was something special to turn that age. Like the sweet sixteen, or the famous 18 and of course 21, can't leave out 25 since insurance premiums go down, usually. But you expect something special to happen, but for some people you get to look at it as this will go wrong or what will go wrong or happen. Even the I'm thirty now and look at me, what has happened to me... etc.. Being the youngest out of 95% of my friends i have seen different reactions. I think it brings the thought to me that age is just a number. I am celebrating inside that i made it to thirty without being in a wheelchair yet like the doctors told me when i was twenty. But now my thoughts go to then how much longer will it last?? Do i really make any sense?????

So here i am once again, living with my parents. i had so many dreams and plans for my life and where have they gone? Down the drain pretty much.Some days lately i have really had a hard time keeping myself out of a rut. well more a depression but i like to call them ruts cause it doesn't sound as bad. If it had not been for my morning text or phone call that helps me get my butt out of bed sometimes i truly think i could just lay there and sink more and more into my rut. But i am trying, i am trying not to let myself get real depressed because of my living situation. I know that i can change it on down the road but it is the now i am having problems with. I'd say just about everyone can say their parents drive them crazy. Don't get me wrong i love them i just can't handle being there as much as i am.
It is only 25 more days till i can halfway prove some Dr's wrong and reach another milestone in my life. That dreaded 3--0. I look at it just a bit different than most. I never thought i would make it past 25, so 30 is a milestone in itself. The Dr's told me when i was twenty i would be in a wheelchair by the time i was thirty, i get to prove them wrong (for the moment anyway). It does seem more and more however i am gonna have my worst fear come true. That i will live my life alone. and by alone i mean a significant other. I have friends that i know will always be around.
well time to get in bed.

Its just another day in this lovely month of may. i had to throw that one in somewhere. So here it is just slightly more than a month til i hit the big 3..0.. mark. I'm still not sure how to look at it. At one point in my life i never thought i would make it past 25, so turning 30 should be considered a milestone in itself. That is five more years than i ever expected. Not to mention they have been pretty interesting ones at that. But what about the next five? Can i make it that many more,, or even more than that? With my health declining more and more i am worried that the measures i am taking now are just too little too late. I hope to be proven wrong.

Ok so it has beena bit since i wrote. But at least i can type with bith hands right now!!!! So many things have happened since i last wrote anything, but... i really don't want to get into it very much. Lets just say i have entered back into the house that truely drives me insane. I've tried to clam myself and to distract myslef from the thoughts that i am being annoyed out of my brain. But i guess thats what a person gets when you end up living with relatives again. It just give me more of an excuse to go fishing ;).

Here it is five almost six days after my surgery and i am about to pull my hair out. The odd thing is that it is not because of my shoulder. I don't know what they did to me on that operating table or after but my back is so swollen and tender. I have a really hard time sleeping. Every time i lay down my back goes into spasms and there is not much i can do. My shoulder itself is doing good.
I almost forgot to say that Tayler Reanne Bowers got to come home on monday also. After being in the hospital for barely over a week she is fine enough to come home.
Well i guess this is all fo the moment. its a little hard to type just yet.

So here it is, three more days till my shoulder surgery. I am dreading it very much but will be glad to get it over with. Then Monday i get the news that i may have to have surgery on my neck also. The doctor thinks that there could be some bad problems if i don't get it fixed pretty soon. Course this doctor is pretty decent. I was told to go see an ortho doc to have them look at it and confirm that surgery is needed.
I am a bit late in doing so but i need to welcome Taylor Reanne Bowers to the family. She was born Saturday March 29th. She only weighed 4 lb 5oz. and 18 inches long. Such a tiny little thing. She is still at the hospital. As soon as she passes all of her tests she can come home. We are all hoping it will be soon. I do hope that i have spelled her name correctly. If not i will fix it when i find out.
I have been so conflicted lately. I am not exactly sure what to do and it's killing me. I know in my head what would more than likely be the best option to take. But my heart and a small part of my mind disagree. I honestly feel like i would be leaving my family behind. Then i think that,.. i don't know.

Wednesday was the last of the shots in my back. I am so glad that they are over. They most definitely do not seem to have helped any. My back has actually been hurting worse. It really sucks cause they are supposed to help. I know that it may take another week or so for them to actually show that they are helping but i just don't like the looks of the road ahead. But i will keep trudging on like i always do.
It is so hard to believe that there has been so many years pass. I just can't get it out of my head when i see my nephew Chris. He will be 18 in august and to remember how he was when he was a baby. He has gone from being 19 inches long to six foot two inches long. I look back at the years that have passed and wonder where have they gone. So many plans and goals gone. So many people gone. So much has changed. I need to get my mind off this.

Here it is the weekend. Most people look forward to the weekend. I dread the weekend. I am not exactly sure why but i do.
I want to say that i feel for any person who ever has to take care of a family member or any person that you may be close to when they have a decline in mental function. Alzheimer's disease and dementia are two of the hardest to deal with. If the person has sun downers also it can get pretty bad. i used to be able to handle anything like this. now it it getting to where it takes a toll on me both physically and mentally. I could shrug off all the mean and hurtful things the patient s would say. Now i am not so sure if it is because I am getting older and i just don't have the patience i used to or if it is because i am emotionally involved. it never helps when the person you are helping seems to know exactly what words to say to push these buttons that make you seem like you are gonna explode. I have worked in nursing homes since i was 16 years old off and on. I have also done my fair share of private duty cna work. But one man knows how to get to me.maybe i just need a vacation. But what would i do?

I am hoping that i have made the right decision. This new doc has me taking the shots in my back again. the first shots were not bad. I know the cortisone hurts for a few days but this time they are really bothering me. The very bottom shot that was done has become extremely pain full. I am thinking that maybe it is time to call the doc and let him know. I mean why go thru this, especially if it is not supposed to hurt like this. OK enough whining about my back. I'll tell you a new thing. I had a MRI done on my neck and got some concerning news. There are about four discs in my neck that are bulging. One of the is bulging and pushing on my spinal cord. It is pushing enough on the spinal cord that it is narrowing the spinal cord. they cannot tell for certain if the pressure is causing my spinal cord to swell but they can't say that it is not. I could not be still enough for the MRI to tell. I also have these little bony things that i can best explain as bone spurs basically all up an down my neck. Pretty much if i fall or get into a wreck or anything like that in which my neck and /or back can be injured i am not too far away from seriously injuring my spinal cord. Great news huh. It really makes you think. Especially if you are as clumsy as me. Now i have to make myself not dwell on all of this and just go on. Easier said than done. At least there is the slight possibility for a brighter side.... Someday... Right?

I done went and messed up. I had written a bit for today and then without hitting the publish button went to view blog so it erased it all. so kust a short recap. I had epidural/cortisone shots in my back monday. I have to go have the shots again for the next two mondays. It is somewhat fun being numb for a day, but the pain is not the fun part. the cortisone hurts till it really taked effect. That can take 2 days to a week, lovely. Well time to get my butt to bed.

Well, as you can see it has been a few days since i last wrote. One reason is it has just been a bit too cold and when it was warm i had so much other stuff to catch up on. But now i am just not sure what to write. Monday i go to the doctor for him to put more shots in my back. Sounds a little gruesome but if they help again then i have no problem with it. My truck seems to be tearing up on me. Imagine that, a vehicle i have doing that, Of course!!! I put my sholder surgery off till April 6th. I'm kinda glad cause it will be warmer weather, but it has been giving me just a little bit of a fit.I cut my hair today, well i didn't exactly do it myself but i got someone to shave the back of my hair. It is so much cooler temperature wise. Man am i lame or what?
What does a person do when they realize they are getting old? I have always said age doesn't bother me but the more gray hair i get and the more my body reminds me that i can't do the things i used to, the more the age thing bothers me. Maybe its just because the whole turning thirty this year and what do i have to show for my life... Nothing. I have done nothing but end up hurting or running off people i care about. I have no place of my own. I basically have no life . I just seem better at going with the flow so to speak. so here i go off on my own little side track. I ran across a shirt today that i really want to get one day. it said.. Those who don't know me fear me, those who do know me fear themselves. Ya i know lame again. well time to tuck my little dog pluto into bed. Its getting a bit cold to be typing. I was hoping i would see some snow before i went to bed. Told you i was crazy...

At what point do you just kinda give up and just go with the flow? When do you give up on your dreams and hopes and just settle for what you have now? Can a person really go through life on auto pilot so to speak? Why can't i stand up for myself to certain people? Why, why, why....????
how long can you keep putting your feelings on the back burner? Why do i ask all this stuff?

What do you do when it seems like it all is coming to a head? All the frustration, pain, anxieties,and stuff are coming to a boil. Do you run, do you hide , or do you just keep on like its not happening?

I wish that there was a way to look into the future and see the results of a choice or decision that a person has to make. I am so scared to make the wrong decision that i usually end up not making one at all. Which i have found out is sometimes worse. Who do you turn to whenthe one person you thought you would always be able to talk to about anything isn't really there. They are but you would do about as good as talking to a tree. Does it all make any sense? Maybe. This jumbled mess in my head. Too much. Serenity. Calm. Chaos. Peace.

Well , here it is the month of February. instead of looking forward to it i am dreading it. I have surgery scheduled for feb 23 for my right shoulder. i am relieved but worried too. One good thing is the new addition to the family. Brayden Steven Vance made his entrance to this world on January 26th at 2:29 am. He weighed 6lb 8oz and was 20 inches long. He is such a precious baby. Now if April would hurry up and get here so the next addition will be here, this one will be a girl. well time to try that thing called sleep.?

You would think that since i ahve had 5 mri's that it would not cause so much anxiety. But each time i have to have one i get so nervous. When i am in the mri for a bit i actually get panicky and want to run. Since this one is not supposed to take as long as the rest i hope i won't freak out. I think i am gonna move to mendacino county california.

Well here it is, the first month of the new year is almost gone and i wonder where it has gone. I got the lovely news that i need to have surgey on my right sholder. It was just jan 26 of last year that i had surgery on my left sholder. I did the same thing to the right one. I am wondering what is gonna happen to the left one since it still is not back to what i consider its best. I also wonder if i can handle going thru all the pain and aggrivation again but then i remember all the pain and aggrivation i went thru for three years before i had the left one fixed. They just had to give me the cortizone shots today in it too. I had forgoten exactly how bad it hurts when they do that. I am so worried about how i am gonna live. How am i gonna get money. i hope my disability comes thru soon. Shit must mail papers tomorrow. sometimes i wonder if i might be in the early stages of alzhemeirs since i forget the most simple things. But i think it is just me worring. well since the stupisd neighbors decided to turn their radio down now i am gonna try to go to bed and possibly get some sleep. If it was only possible. Course i guess the dogs liked the music cause now they are raising a protest and barking at the neighbors. Just joking i know they are telling me that the neighbors are out and about. i was actually thinking earlier of a way to just turn their power off so the radio would shut off. even if it was just for a few minutes. i could always go back and keep turning it off till they get the picture. well my fingers are going numb and that makes it really hard to type so this would be farewell for now...

So i wonder what exactly one would call what is going on with my mind. Would you call it depression, maybe a crash from a manic episode. Maybe i am just crazy. But what do you so when you just want to scream. You even scream on the inside and hope maybe it doesn't come out like it is in your head. Then it all turns to the suicide thoughts again. but this time you actually think about it. about how nice it would be to feel no more pain. To not feel like you are no better than a spec of dirt. to not be a burden anymore. but then you kinda mentally slap yourself after you've cried your eyes out for a bit. Hours later i wonder why it ( the suicide thought) hit me so hard. I haven't had this much of a fight out of myself in years. Are things just getting that bad again? Please don't let me get out of control again. Don't let me lose control of my rational side. I've tried writing poetry again like i used to but its like its all stuck. So i figured i would try writing here. things have to get better soon right?

It is hard to believe another year has passed by and i have nothing really to show that i have done anything meaningful or constructive or worthwhile for that matter. There are many things that i started but never finished. It just seems like another year toward my downfall.

It is funny when you think back to when you was a kid and the one thing that you wanted to be you end up hating. i hate doctors. they are so blinded. What ever happened to listening to the patient and the patient knows their body better than any doctor ever will. I still would like to be a doctor just so i could be that one doctor and hopefully make a difference in that one persons life. But as always life gets in the way and throws you a curve ball and then you have to restructure your plans that you had all laid out, nice and neat. You never in your life expect to hear the words, " you have a mass at the base of your skull and because of the shape and size you need to prepare for it to be a tumor." That's one heck of a thing to hear. But i think having to wait two weeks to find out anything is the worst.

Well here it is, my attempt at blogging. i am not sure if anyone will ever read it but if they do that is alright. at times i may seem like i am crazy, you are correct. but it will have to wait till tomorrow or another day. the sandman has finally caught up with me and i must sleep. hopefully anyway.