So i wonder what exactly one would call what is going on with my mind. Would you call it depression, maybe a crash from a manic episode. Maybe i am just crazy. But what do you so when you just want to scream. You even scream on the inside and hope maybe it doesn't come out like it is in your head. Then it all turns to the suicide thoughts again. but this time you actually think about it. about how nice it would be to feel no more pain. To not feel like you are no better than a spec of dirt. to not be a burden anymore. but then you kinda mentally slap yourself after you've cried your eyes out for a bit. Hours later i wonder why it ( the suicide thought) hit me so hard. I haven't had this much of a fight out of myself in years. Are things just getting that bad again? Please don't let me get out of control again. Don't let me lose control of my rational side. I've tried writing poetry again like i used to but its like its all stuck. So i figured i would try writing here. things have to get better soon right?