I think i have finally figured out what love is. It is a pathway to self destruction. At least for me it is, and always will be more than likely. I am really beginning to hate it if you could ever really hate love. It does nothing but let me destroy myself. to let me kill what is left of my heart and possibly my soul. It may not really be that way but it sure seems like it. But in reality i do it to myself. i love the wrong people. The ones i can never have. There is two people in my life that i love so much. So much its about to kill me. But that's all it will ever be is that i love them. They say they love me too, one says its the wrong time or era or whatever you want to call it. I still had hope, till today. And at the same time that hope got crushed and ground into the floor it felt like my heart stopped beating and all i could do was cry. Cry so bad that i was shaking. I wanted to die, i'm not saying i wanted to kill myself, i just wanted to die and be out of my misery. It felt like someone had just told me about a death in the family or something. I love her damn it. why do i have to love her why couldn't it be someone else i could actually be with? Why, why , why???? Cause its my punishment. That's my best guess, what else would be the reason. The other person i love i finally gave up on a few years ago and when i happen to tell them about this other person i get told well i never said it couldn't happen. I am so damn confused and frustrated and mad and hurt and lost. I feel like i need to go hide from the world so i don't have to deal with this shit anymore. I'm not sure if i can deal with this all much more. i have got to tell that one person tomorrow that i am sorry i have to tear my heart out for a bit and then let it heal then i will be able to be around you more with out it affecting me because i got to remind myself that you said this could never be. God hate myself, i knew not to do this, i knew not to let myself get this far, but i never listen to me. Funny huh? it doesn't feel very funny. I would do anything for this woman. I would die for this woman and at this point in time that's what it feels like. Like from one of my songs i like;and i'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you, its only fears that makes you run, the demons that your hiding from, when all your promises are gone, i'm the only one. But WHY????? Why do i do this? Love ? Love is nothing more than a four letter word in sheep's clothing so you don't see that its the death of who you are.

Ok. First off i am seeing if this is the rite address 2 send this 2. N overlook the abrevations. Im txtn this lol.

My new life, basically.

Well here it is. In a matter of hours i will be knocked out on an operating table. I chose to have the gastric bypass surgery. I have often questioned myself if i have made the right decision. In a way part of me knows i did. But the part of me that is scared is not so sure. its two forty eight in the morning. I wanted to get on here and write more but i am just at a loss for words. Hopefully i will be here tomorrow to continue.

Where, oh where can my sanity be???

It seems as though i am at a loss when it comes to my mind. At least that is how i feel. I am at a spot where i am gonna have to stop avoiding things that i know are coming. But i don't want to. Maybe i can find the door that lets people into Petoria. It a pretty cool little spot, but its getting crowded and some have to leave and i need to lock the door behind them. So much easier said than done. Who knows, i don't. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

questions, questions questions...

So it has come to this... Surgery on my neck. Lovely. I'll admit it, I'm scared. I have been thru other surgeries before but never had to worry about the doctor slipping just a millimeter or less and i could be paralyzed for life. So yeah I'm scared. You won't find me admitting it to many people. the way it is explained to me. the doctor is gonna take the disc that is between my 5th and 6th cervical vertebra and then put this cage in between them. He is gonna take some bone from my hip and put it in the cage and around the cage to take up all the space between the two vertebra. Last but not least he is going to put a metal plate covering the space and part of the other two vertebra and screw the plate o the 5th and 6th vertebra. And that should fix it. As long as my body doesn't reject the bone, or it does not slip before it bonds. So many things that could happen. I have been put on morphine from my doctor to help with the pain. But the morphine makes me irritable, very irritable. i am wondering if i can make it for a month without pissing everyone off or them hating me before i can get it changed. I hope they can all understand. I'd say there will be some that won't.
Even after i get it changed i am worried about what will happen cause all the restrictions that will be on me because of the surgery will drive me crazy.
Sometimes i wonder if i truly have as much control over my mind as i think i do.
sometimes i wonder....

Well, here it is... The last ever day i will have being twenty-something year old. Now i get to put the thirty-something on trial for the next ten years. in a way you almost expect to wake up the day of your birthday and suddenly know some new knowledge that you could never have known till you turned 30. Like when you was younger and you anticipated those milestone birthdays cause it was something special to turn that age. Like the sweet sixteen, or the famous 18 and of course 21, can't leave out 25 since insurance premiums go down, usually. But you expect something special to happen, but for some people you get to look at it as this will go wrong or what will go wrong or happen. Even the I'm thirty now and look at me, what has happened to me... etc.. Being the youngest out of 95% of my friends i have seen different reactions. I think it brings the thought to me that age is just a number. I am celebrating inside that i made it to thirty without being in a wheelchair yet like the doctors told me when i was twenty. But now my thoughts go to then how much longer will it last?? Do i really make any sense?????

So here i am once again, living with my parents. i had so many dreams and plans for my life and where have they gone? Down the drain pretty much.Some days lately i have really had a hard time keeping myself out of a rut. well more a depression but i like to call them ruts cause it doesn't sound as bad. If it had not been for my morning text or phone call that helps me get my butt out of bed sometimes i truly think i could just lay there and sink more and more into my rut. But i am trying, i am trying not to let myself get real depressed because of my living situation. I know that i can change it on down the road but it is the now i am having problems with. I'd say just about everyone can say their parents drive them crazy. Don't get me wrong i love them i just can't handle being there as much as i am.
It is only 25 more days till i can halfway prove some Dr's wrong and reach another milestone in my life. That dreaded 3--0. I look at it just a bit different than most. I never thought i would make it past 25, so 30 is a milestone in itself. The Dr's told me when i was twenty i would be in a wheelchair by the time i was thirty, i get to prove them wrong (for the moment anyway). It does seem more and more however i am gonna have my worst fear come true. That i will live my life alone. and by alone i mean a significant other. I have friends that i know will always be around.
well time to get in bed.